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It’ll help your ratings

June 9, 2010 - Blaine Hyska

I think I’m going to write to President Obama.
No. It’s not that kind of letter. I can’t afford to get arrested for harassing an elected official.

Besides, we’ve had worse presidents...I just can’t think of one right now.

I’m going to suggest that the president grow a beard.
Facial hair is trendy in the U.S. now, and those-in-the-know in Hollywood report that beards, Goatees and sideburns are all the rage with his supporters.

A little facial hair will probably get him re-elected. Look what it does for David Beckham, Kanye West, Leonardo DiCaprio, Johnny Depp, et al.
They’re all stars.

The question is what type of facial hair should the president grow?

The Five O’Clock Shadow is a crowd-pleaser. I doubt whether some of the foreign dignitaries would understand, though. It would probably make him look like he’s trying too hard.

The Circle Beard, also known as the “door knocker,” is also fashionable these days. This is when the moustache and chin beard are connected along the sides of the mouth. Fashion experts say it can add length to a round face.

How about the Goatee? The Goatee is often misunderstood. The Goatee is hair growth on the chin only. It is often confused with the Van Dyck, which is a moustache with a chin beard that is not connected.

I’m not so sure Obama would look good in a Balbo, which is a Goatee shaped to form an upside down letter T. This can be worn with or without a mustache. Seems to me that when I was a kid, I saw pictures of the devil wearing a Balbo. Not the best look for a president.

The Chinstrap may work. This is when the facial hair extends from the sideburns along the jaw line and connects at the chin. This is stylish among the R&B and hip-hop culture, and fashion experts say it can help create a jawline and frame the face. Look what it did for Abraham Lincoln, although he did let his get a bit too wild.

There’s also the Soul Patch, a small growth of hair under the lip (think Ted Nugent); Mutton Chops, those big Elvis Presley sideburns; the Chevron, a full, wide moustache that hangs over the upper lip; the Handlebar (a la Rollie Fingers); Fu Manchu, where the vertical moustache extensions extend beyond the jaw line; and the full beard.

Take your pick, Mr. President. Trust me.
It’ll help your ratings.

 
 

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