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Prepare food tunnels

July 20, 2012
The Daily News

EDITOR:Greetings from the North Dickinson Desert.

You have to hand it to the government; no sooner had they announced that we lived in a desert and needed to prepare food tunnels than here it came.

We woke up on a recent morning and found that our swaying, sighting pines had been replaced by shifting, whispering sands.

Dunes as far as one could see. We have unofficially named it the Ibog.

Check a globe and you will find that if you drilled a hole through the earth at the same latitude you would come out in the Gobi desert.

Hence, Ibog; mirror image.

Well, this has caused all sorts of trouble. Mainly transportation. Our vehicles are pretty much useless and when one thinks of desert travel - yep, camels. But where to get them?

A neighbor who has access to the Internet found that the Norwegian government had some they wanted to get rid of, understandably, as we shall see.

Apparently, a Norwegian army cavalry unit had been sent to Iraq as a part of the allied force in that war. They found their reindeer mounts could not adapt to that terrain and were provided with camels instead.

Upon their return to Norway the camels didn't care much for that climate either. We contacted the proper authorities and they agreed to give us some.

I told them we lived about 30 miles from Norway and they said they would send a detail of cavalrymen to deliver them, free of charge. But were they ever in a bad mood when they arrived.

In my excitement I had neglected to say Norway, Michigan, an honest mistake for which I apologized profusely. To their credit, they held to their end of the bargain.

About these camels. An ugly beast with a temperament to match. They actually spit at you for no good reason, and accurately, I might add.

Well needless to say, all this had caused quite an emergency out here, so FEMA has come to our aid.

M-69 is being kept open by the road crews and we have only to get to the highway to receive some food. We managed to get on our camels and head out but it's hard to know where you are in these dunes. Worse than a swamp, all one sees are tree tops and an occasional roof.

No place to plug in a GPS on a camel. Fortunately, we came by one rooftop where shovelfuls of sand were flying up and we could hear a fellow complaining that the blankety-blank Bushies were the cause of this blankety-blank mess, so we knew whose house that was and we were able to get our bearings.

We soon found the FEMA trucks and got our supply of MRE's (meals ready to eat). They were left over from the Vietnam War, but had been stored in specially constructed tunnels and were said to be fresh and edible.

The years have jaded my taste buds so I shouldn't judge, but I can tell you the camels didn't like them. Does anyone know what one feeds these beasts?

There must be something to these food tunnels, however, so we've already started digging ours. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Wayne Nelson




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