NIAGARA, Wis. — One aspect of retirement that few of us think about is aging parents — at least, for me, that topic did not even show up on my list of retirement concerns. For most of us, our parents have been the go-to people; the ones with the experience and advice, support and encouragement we relied upon for decades. As we age, we never really expect our parents to get older along with us. But as they do, it becomes our turn to step up and provide the care they now need in return for the decades of selfless care they have provided to us. As my husband and I have both now gone through this process, we have learned a few things worth sharing.

Having timely conversations with siblings and planning together are critical first steps. My own mother’s needs became apparent when my younger brother sent out a call for help. Our mother had been living with him and his family in the Chicago area for 13 years, and her needs had grown beyond his ability to meet them. He was tired. So during the next visit my mother made to our house, we toured Maryhill Manor together. She liked it but was not ready quite yet to relocate. Sometime within the next year, she made up her mind that she was ready and just assumed that I knew. She began talking about “going to live in Niagara,” and my brother and sister assumed that I had been making plans without consulting them. My sister called me to ask what was going on, and it was the first I had heard that our mother was now ready for a change. My sister and I had a good laugh and, thankfully, Maryhill had an opening. We all worked together to move her in July 2012.

Prepare yourself for the diminished capacities of someone you love and thought would always be there. My mother has done well at Maryhill despite a hip fracture sustained about four years ago. But advancing osteoporosis and arthritis have led to multiple vertebral fractures. She is pretty uncomfortable most of the time. She is a tough cookie, though, and soldiers through her discomfort with an amazing sense of humor. What has been more difficult to watch, however, has been the ravages of dementia. My father died in the early years of their marriage, leaving her with four very young children. She shouldered an amazing amount of responsibility back then as she worked full-time and raised all four of us herself. She ran a very busy office with four bosses and kept tabs on her four children more closely than any of us would have liked. So it is hard now to see her confusion. Her response to her present condition is summed up simply in her words, “I’m old.” She has faced this stage of her life and its challenges in the same matter-of-fact way that she has dealt with whatever situation life has presented to her — she just keeps on keeping on.

This past Thanksgiving, my mother-in-law fell in the hallway of her independent senior living complex in Neenah, Wis. — running on her way to senior exercise class. Yes, you read that correctly. Although, for the longest time she was convinced she had been running down the highway and had been hit by a truck… and wondered if anyone had gotten a picture of that trucker’s license plate.

My husband helped her get it straight after numerous reminders, “Hallway, mom, not highway.”

She broke her femur up near her hip and her arm up near her shoulder. My husband and his siblings from Minneapolis and lower Michigan convened at Theda Clark Medical Center to see her through orthopedic surgery and to answer the question, “Now what?” There was a lot to discuss, and each sibling brought their own unique backgrounds and strengths to finding a solution always with their mother’s best interests at heart. She needed rehab, and after much deliberation, it was decided that mom would come to Maryhill to receive it. And, she ended up rooming with my mother. It was a rough adjustment for her, as the effects of anesthesia and pain medication can really do a number on the elderly. And she was not a fan of her rehab, so my husband went to Maryhill daily to do her exercise with her. My husband’s presence, in combination with the great rehab staff, worked wonders. She progressed to the point where another decision had to be made. After Maryhill, where?

Be prepared to work together to find a solution that best meets the needs of your parent; consider and discuss as many options as possible, weighing the pros and cons of each. My husband and his siblings looked at a variety of assisted living facilities in Neenah, Green Bay and Iron Mountain. It was decided to keep her up here by us, so there was family nearby who could help her adjust to yet another change in her environment. Now there was a major move to accomplish. By now, my husband’s brother was in Florida until spring, so it was up to his sister, her husband and him. They met in Neenah on the coldest weekend of the year, packed up his mom’s apartment, loaded up the U-Haul trailer and unloaded everything at Victorian Pines. It was no small undertaking. His mom had lived in her senior apartment for 15 years and threw away nothing. So there was a lot of sorting until they ran out of time. After that, it was pack it and sort later. When that phase was complete, we were happy to celebrate with dinner at Maxsells, which had been generously paid for by his brother. No expense was spared as we toasted our gratitude to him in Florida via selfie.

As much as you love your parents and have accepted the responsibility for their care, prepare to have your time, energy and patience taxed at times. For the past two weeks, my husband and I have been unpacking and settling mom into her new apartment. We have not had to do any “unpacking and settling” of our own since moving to our home in Niagara 40 years ago. Obviously, we had not gotten any younger, so we were quite challenged by the task at hand. We tried to make her new apartment as close to what she was used to in Neenah as possible. She has since moved in and is thrilled.

Yes, this part of retirement is not what we had envisioned; it has been a lot of work and new responsibilities. And there has been a very real role reversal. We walk a fine line as caregiver for our parents while still giving them the respect, and allowing them the dignity, they deserve as our parents. We were both very fortunate to have siblings who shared in the decision-making responsibilities and with whom we could have open and honest communication. We have all become closer as a result of coming together for our parents.

Not everyone can say that, however. For some families, caregiving can become a difficult, life-changing event.

The Aging and Disability Resource Center of Florence County acknowledges that providing care for a loved one through a debilitating illness or at life’s end can create stress on individuals and families alike. Each family member will have his or her own response to the difficult situation and will have varying levels of commitment to help. Each person handles stress, grief and change in their own way and will also have different ideas of what is best for the loved one needing care.

The ADRC states that good communication is essential in keeping families strong through a difficult time. Disagreements are sure to arise, but the key to success is to diffuse the conflict before feelings are hurt and long-lasting damage is done. They offer these tips to help avoid conflict and make the caregiving journey less stressful and more successful.

— Be honest. Say that you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, scared or sad. Then work together to diminish these feelings.

— Use “I” statements to avoid blaming others.

— Value everyone’s ideas and opinions. Don’t judge. There is not just one right way to provide care for someone.

— Consider counseling. Caring for a loved one is stressful for even the healthiest families. Attend a support group with family members or seek private counseling if you fear relationships are about to be torn apart.

— Share responsibility. When everyone has a task or responsibility, however small, a sense of teamwork is shared.

— When times get tough, remind each other it is the disease that has caused the challenge. Blame the disease, not the person with the disease (or each other) for hard times.

— Step back and look at the larger picture. Sometimes we get hung up on a certain issue and lose sight of the more important goal, such as like happiness, safety, and/or independence.

— If you are the main caregiver, get some respite. Taking a break from your daily duties can boost your spirits and in turn help you communicate better.

— Listen. Be an active listener by focusing on what is being said, including body language, without interrupting. We often miss much of what someone is saying because we are busy thinking about what we will say next. Or we “tune out” what is being said because we think we’ve already heard it.

— Never assume anything. When doling out tasks, be specific and clear to avoid misunderstandings. Write things down.

— Find a good time to communicate. If you need to talk to someone, don’t do it while they’re in the middle of something else. Always ask, “Is this a good time?” before diving in with a heavy topic.

— Steer away from emotions. If something you’ve said has sparked strong emotions in someone — anger, tears, sarcasm — apologize and try again at a different time and in another way. If you are becoming emotional, ask to talk about it later after you’ve calmed down.

— Schedule regular family meetings, either in person, over the phone or by e-mail so everyone is kept updated on how things are going.

The ADRC of Florence County is available to help anyone along the way of their caregiving journey. They offer a class titled “Powerful Tools for Caregivers.” For more information, contact them at 715-528-4890 or stop by their office in the lower level of the Florence County Courthouse, 501 Lake Ave. Good information can also be found at www.florencecountywi.com.

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SENIOR LIVING

FACILITIES

Freeman

Kingsford

Scenes and Sounds, 11:45 a.m Sunday through Saturday.

Sunday: Uno, 1 p.m.; dunking donuts, 2 p.m.; church, 2:15 p.m.

Monday: Room visits, 10 a.m.; brouhaha, 11 a.m.; library cart, 1:30; ice cream social, 3 p.m.

Tuesday: Crochet, 10:30 a.m.; reminisce, 1:15 p.m.; Kentucky Derby, 2 p.m.; PJ dice, 6:30 p.m.

Wednesday: Room visits, 10 a.m.; rosary, 11 a.m.; bingo, 2 p.m.; Golden Throats, 3 p.m.

Thursday: Reading buddy,11 a.m.; bible study, 1:30 p.m.; bingo with Carol, 2 p.m.; laundry day, 4 p.m.; dinner theater, 5 p.m.

Friday: What’s cooking, 11 a.m.; bunko, 1:15 a.m.; jigsaw brain tease, 2 p.m.; sing along, 2:30 p.m.; happy hour, 3 p.m.

Saturday: Meet and greet, 10:30 a.m.; daily newspaper, 11 a.m.; spinning records, 1 p.m.; bingo, 2 p.m.

Iron County

Medical Facility

Crystal Falls

Room visits: 9 to 11 a.m. Sundays and 1 p.m., Monday and Friday.

Exercise: 11 a.m., Monday, Wednesday, Friday.

Sunday: One-to-one church visitors, 8:30 to 11 a.m.; storytelling, 10 a.m.; bingorama, 2 p.m.; Church of Christ, 3 p.m.

Monday: Memory books, 9 to 10:30 a.m.; bingo, 2 p.m.; Sunshine Club, 2:30 p.m.

Tuesday: CF library, 9:30; Book Club, 10 a.m.; prayer, 10 a.m.; senior scrappers, 1 p.m.; wildlife film, 1:30 p.m.; current events, 2 p.m.; crime movie, 6 p.m.

Wednesday: Coffee social/Travel Club, 10 a.m.; Amasa Senior Center, 10:30 a.m.; high rollers, 2 p.m.; night bingo, 6 p.m.

Thursday: Puzzler, 9:30 a.m.; bowling, 10 a.m..; travel film, 1:30 p.m.; United Lutheran, 2 p.m.; happy hour, 2:30 p.m.

Friday: Crafts, 9 to 10:30 a.m.; names and faces, 2 p.m.; comedy movie, 6 p.m.

Saturday: ICMCF word search, you be the judge, 10 a.m.; geri-gym, 11 a.m.; intergenerational social hour, 2 p.m.

ManorCare

Kingsford

Wet your whistle, 9:30 a.m. daily.

Exercise, 10 a.m. daily.

Movie, 10:45 a.m. daily, and 3:15 p.m. Monday through Saturday.

Gathering place, 11:40 a.m. Monday through Saturday, and 4:30 p.m. Monday through Friday.

Popcorn Day, every Friday

Sunday: Just jokes, 10:15 a.m.; morsels and more, 1:30 p.m.; Protestant church, 3 p.m.

Monday: President facts, 10:15 a.m.; Crystal Hogan music, 2 p.m.; po-ke-no, 5:45 p.m.

Tuesday: Who am I, 10:15 a.m.; resident council/food committee, 2 p.m.; movie and manicure, 5:45 p.m.

Wednesday: Sharpen your senses, 10:15 a.m.; crafts, 2 p.m.; flip five, 5:45 p.m.

Thursday: Crosswords, 10:15 a.m.; “Deal or No Deal” bingo, 2 p.m.; magic moments music, 5:45 p.m.

Friday: Manor Care monthly, 10:15 a.m.; Lucky 13 game, 2 p.m.; chips ‘n’ chatter, 2:30 p.m.

Saturday: Current events, 10:15 a.m.; bingo, 2 p.m

Maryhill Manor

Niagara, Wis.

Rosary, 8:30 a.m. Sunday through Friday.

Sunday: Catholic Mass, 9 a.m.; “Family Feud,” 10:15 a.m.; music bingo, 1:30 p.m.; Protestant service, 2:30 p.m.

Monday: Protestant service, 9 a.m.; Travel Club, Jamaica, 10:15 a.m.; nickel jokereno, 2 p.m.

Tuesday: Current events, 10:15 a.m.; bingo, 2 p.m.; “Deal or No Deal,” 6:15 p.m.

Wednesday: Jokereno, 10:15 a.m.; birthday party with Ray and Mindy, 2 p.m.; Chaplet of Divine Mercy, 3 p.m.; help your neighbor, 6:15 p.m.

Thursday: Catholic Mass, 9 a.m.; Scattegories, 10:15 a.m.; prayer shawl, 2 p.m.; whammo, 6:15 p.m.

Friday: Ball toss 10:15 a.m.; short stories, 10:30 a.m.; happy hour with Jim D., 2 p.m.

Saturday: Crafts, 10:15 a.m.; pamper and polish, 2 p.m.; romance movie and popcorn, 5:45 p.m.

Victorian Pines

Iron Mountain

Juice time, 10 a.m. Monday through Saturday

Exercise, 11 a.m. Monday through Friday.

Shopping days: 10 a.m. Tuesdays and Fridays, must sign up.

Sunday: Coffee clutch,10 a.m.; Bible study, 1:30 p.m.; refreshments, 3 p.m

Monday: Bingo, 2 p.m.; refreshments, 3 p.m.

Tuesday: Music with Pastor Jim, 2 p.m.; refreshments, 3 p.m.

Wednesday: Birthday party, 2 p.m.;

Thursday: Birthday party, 2 p.m.; rosary, 3 p.m.

Friday: Hoodie Hoo Day with ice cream sundaes, 2 p.m.

Saturday: Movie and popcorn, 2 p.m.

Florence Health Services

Florence, Wis.

Morning news, 6 a.m. daily.

Beauty shop open on Tuesday and Thursday.

Sunday: Bingo, 10 a.m.; flippo, 2 p.m., reading, 6 p.m.

Monday: Bingo with Bette, 10 a.m.; ring toss, 2 p.m.; room visits, 3:30 p.m.

Tuesday: Pastor Doug, 10 a.m.; travel party to Florida, 2:30 p.m.

Wednesday: Chair exercise, 10 a.m.; cherry pie party, 2 p.m.; one-to-one visits, 3:30 p.m.; music with Grace and Dave, 6:30 p.m.

Thursday: Pastor Jason, 10 a.m.; lunch out, noon; music with Crystal, 2 p.m.

Friday: Catholic Mass, 10 a.m.; manicures, 2 p.m.; happy hour, 3 p.m.

Saturday: Bingo, 10 a.m.; Uno, 2 p.m.

Pinecrest Medical  Care Facility

Powers

Busy Bee, 12:45 p.m. Monday through Friday.

Sunday: Grace church, 10:15 a.m.; Uno, 10:30 a.m.; “Pictionary,” 2 p.m.; ball toss, 3:30 p.m.

Monday: Life connections, 9:45 a.m.; beauty shop, 10:30 a.m.; rosary, 2:30 p.m.; ball toss, 3:30 p.m.; mind joggers, 6 p.m.

Tuesday: Bunco, 10:30 a.m.; bingo, 1:45 p.m.; social circle, 3:30 p.m.; one-to-one visits, 6 p.m.

Wednesday: Shopping outing, 10:30 a.m.; birthday party, 2 p.m.; one-to-one visits, 3:30 p.m.

Thursday: Exercise, 10:30 a.m.; bingo, 1:45 p.m.; cards, 3:30 p.m.; one-to-one visits, 6 p.m.

Friday: Catholic Mass, 10:30 a.m.; Jerry Beauchamp, 2 p.m.; fish fry outing, 3:30 p.m.; one-to-one visits, 6 p.m.

Saturday: Hand massage, 10 a.m.; life stories, 10:30; manicures, 2 p.m.; sensory, 3:30 p.m.

SENIOR CENTERS

Note: All centers ask for 24-hour advanced reservations for lunch. If you have meals delivered and will not be home, notify the Center.

Alpha-Mastodon Center

906-875-3315

Meal at noon every Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.

Amasa Center

906-822-7284

Open Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

Lunch at noon.

Bingo on Tuesdays.

Free meal drawing on Thursdays.

Breen Center

906-774-5110

Meals Monday through Friday.

Pasty sale every third Saturday of the month — except on holidays. 

Cards and games available 9 a.m. to noon and 1 to 2 p.m.

Hostess on duty Monday through Friday.  

Treats and coffee, 8:30 to 11:30 a.m.

Center retail store is open 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. Monday through Friday; volunteers and donations are welcome.

Birthdays acknowledged every day.

Evening meals are on the first and third Thursday of the month. Salad bar opens at 4 p.m., with dinner at 5 p.m. Donations are $4 for those 60 and older and $5 for 60 and younger.

Crystal Falls Center

Head cook: Lucy Korhonen

906-875-6709

Closed indefinitely due to a small fire. Clean-up is underway and approval of the health department will be needed before reopening. The center apologizes for any inconvenience.

Crystal Lake Center

906-774-5888

The center is closed until further notice due to plumbing issues.

Felch Center

906-246-3559

Meals served at 11:30 a.m. Monday through Wednesday.

Bingo after lunch on the first and third Wednesday of each month.

A congregate jigsaw puzzle is done daily.

Aging and Disability Resource Center of Florence County, Wis.

715-528-4890

Director: Tiffany White

Suggested donation for seniors older than 60 is $4 per meal. Residents younger than 60 must pay $7. Reservations and cancellations needed 48-hours in advance.

The ADRC can assist area seniors and those with disabilities with transportation Monday through Friday. Transportation reservation should be made with meal reservation. 

Fence Center/Town Hall

715-336-2980

Meal at noon Wednesdays only. Reservations are requested. Cribbage and cards are available.

Florence Community Center/Town Hall

715-528-4261

Home-delivered meals are available as always. Meal is served at 11:30 a.m. at the center on Friday only.

The meal site is temporarily closed Monday through Thursday due to a staffing shortage.

Tipler Town Hall

715-674-2320

Serving lunch at noon on the second Thursday of the month.

Hillcrest Senior Dining Center, Aurora

715-589-4491

Meal is served at 11:30 a.m. Monday through Thursday. Transportation arrangements can be made to and from the meal site.

Hermansville Center

Coordinator: Pam Haluska

906-498-7735

Meal is at noon Monday through Friday. Suggested donation is $3 for age 60 and older and $7 for those younger than 60. Morning coffee is available daily.

Fifteen games of “fun bingo” are played each Tuesday and Friday, along with a 50-50 drawing.

Tuesday: Bingo, 12:45 p.m.

Wednesday: Cards played in the afternoon. Call ahead to see if a game will be going on.

Friday: Bingo, 12:45 p.m.

Monday through Friday: Walking in the gym, 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. A treadmill also is available.

Enjoy friendly interaction with other crafters.

Iron River Center

906-265-6134

Meals served 11:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Monday through Wednesday; a $4 donation is encouraged from those 60 and older, and a $5 payment is required from those younger than 60. Thursday meal, 3:30 p.m. soup, 4 p.m. salad bar, with dinner at 4:30 to 5:30 p.m. Home-delivered meals are available — call 906-774-2256 and speak to Christine Tramontine at ext. 235 or Stephen at ext. 230. Menu for the week of Feb. 17 follows:

Monday: Mushroom burger, wax beans, garlic bread, fruit and milk.

Tuesday: Fish, au gratin potatoes, peas, fruit and milk.

Wednesday: Boiled dinner, roll, fruit and milk.

Thursday: Roast beef, baked potato, carrots, dessert and milk.

Niagara Northwoods Senior Cafe and Center

Meal site manager: Corrie Maule, 715-251-1603

Senior center director: Jill Anderson, 715-251- 4154

Noon meals served Monday through Thursday. Transportation is available to the meal site for those living in the Niagara, Wis., area. We welcome any senior groups who would like to use the meal site as a meeting place — join us for lunch and then stay for a meeting or social time. Wii games, cards, puzzles and board games are available to play.

Other activities are in the works — suggestions are always welcome.

Those who have not been at the meal site/senior center are invited to give it a try. Those who haven’t been here in a while are encouraged to come back.

Norway Center

Director: Susie Slining

906-563-8716

Monday through Thursday: Meals served at noon, with salad bar. Soup also is available at 11 a.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Milk, juice, bread, fruit, tea and coffee served daily. Meal donation is $5. Reservation for the meal should be made in advance.

Two special-themed meals take place each month on Tuesday, with bingo, prizes and a 50-50 drawing.

Two evening meals offered at 5 p.m. on the first Monday and third Wednesday of the month, with bingo, prizes and a 50-50.

Menu for the week:

Monday: Breaded pork chops, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, salad bar, fruit, juice and dessert.

Tuesday: Swedish meatballs over egg noodles, Brussel sprouts, soup and salad bar, fruit, juice, dessert.

Wednesday, noon: Chicken chop suey over rice, mixed vegetables, fruit, juice and dessert.

Wednesday, 5 p.m.: Barbecue ribs, mashed potatoes and gravy, vegetables, soup and salad bar, dessert.

Thursday: Spaghetti or polenta with meat sauce, green beans, garlic toast, soup and salad bar, fruit, juice, and dessert.

If Norway-Vulcan area schools are closed due to bad weather days, so is the senior center. If the schools are on a two-hour delay, the center remains open. 

Cards are played daily after the noon meal.

Craft and exercise classes: Mondays and Thursdays.

Ceramic and art classes: Wednesdays.

Puzzles always in the works.

A senior coloring class meets daily. All are welcome. Some materials will be provided.

Telephone reassurance is available for any senior who doesn’t get out much and would like a friendly daily phone check to see that all is well.

Note: File of Life packets available at the center.

Sagola Center

906-542-3273

Meals: Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, 11:45 a.m. Cards: Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Commodities every other month and quarterly commodities are every three months. A puzzle table is available to enjoy. Volunteers are always welcome.

Special note: The center will be closed for the remainder of February — the cook is on vacation.