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Rinse and repeat

Dear Annie: I have been married to my husband for 10 years, and we’ve been together for 12 years. I love this guy, but his hygiene is atrocious. I admit that he was like this before we married, but I thought I could change this habit. My mistake. We’ve had endless discussions about this, and he always says he’ll get better.

He seems to be worse than ever. We just got back from visiting my children, and he has not shaved for over a month. It’s disgusting. We aren’t intimate. He has issues with impotence. But I refuse to kiss him goodnight with a beard that has food, sneezing and coughing in it.

He actually looks worse than a homeless person. I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t want to divorce him, but I can’t stand this any more. He only showers maybe once a week and has gone up to three weeks without a shower. He’s a nice guy in other ways. Don’t know what to do. It’s very disrespectful to the world and me. — At Wit’s End

Dear At Wit’s End: I’m not sure how you have tolerated his poor hygiene for as long as you have. But it sounds like it is getting worse, and you have to have an intervention with him. It is clearly affecting your relationship. You could try to approach the conversation playfully and suggest that you shower together or that if he washes his beard or shaves it off, you will kiss him goodnight. Poor hygiene could be a sign of a more serious mental health issue or personality disorder. If he doesn’t respond to your conversation, it sounds like you need marriage counseling. Impotence is not an excuse for lack of intimacy.

Reassure him that you don’t want a divorce but that you want to help him feel better about himself. If he refuses marriage counseling, then try to persuade him to seek professional help for himself.

Dear Annie: I was a cellist in a chamber group, and for one of our performances, I was particularly nervous because my part was so crucial to the piece. As we were setting up, I shared my concern with the violist. He replied, “The only one who remembers your mistake is you.”

Oftentimes, as you know, we put too much weight on our own mistakes and never, if reminded or asked, recall another’s. We humans are too self-absorbed to think that any faux pas events are remembered by others. — Only We Know

Dear Only We Know: Thank you for your uplifting letter. It is certainly true, and a good reminder. And thank the violist for us.

Dear Annie: You can tell “Barbara” that my name is JAMES. And yet, for every Jimmy, Jim, Jamey, Jamie, Jimmie or Jimbo I’ve been called, I felt nothing but endearment in it. Savor it, “Barb.” People love you! Let down your barriers and feel the affection. The world covets it, and you’ve been dished a bountiful portion! — Jumbo

Dear Jumbo: Thanks for taking lemons and making lemonade, James.

Dear Annie: I about spilled my coffee when I read the letter from “Barbara.” I could have written it myself. In fact, my husband accused me of doing just that! She is absolutely right. For 75 years, I have had my name hacked down to “Barb.”

Interestingly, I found that it is mostly a habit of Midwesterners. Just as we Southerners are guilty of “y’all,” Midwesterners are guilty of “Barb.” So, if Barbara lives in the Midwest, it will be an ongoing issue for her and she should either move or get used to correcting them. Or, at least, try to find the humor in our geographical foibles. — Southern Barbara

Dear Southern Barbara: Great point! I hadn’t considered regional dialect as a culprit.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now. Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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