Time to stay or go
Dear Annie: Almost four years ago, I had a double mastectomy, and five months prior to that, a complete hysterectomy! Over time, I have had 19 surgeries. Needless to say, I haven’t felt very good about myself. In fact, I’ve felt pretty low more times than I can count.
Then I found out that my husband has been looking up ubersex, dating sites and free Facebook hookups and multiple similar sites. I don’t know for sure if he has actually met with anyone. He doesn’t know that I know, at least for now. I’ve put up with a lot throughout our relationship, including his addiction troubles.
I’ve never been the kind to let someone else define my worth, but I’ve lost any self-esteem I’ve ever had! I’m not a weak woman at all. I’ve fought hard over the last several years to be here for my family and myself.
My husband won’t touch me or even look at me if I’m changing, and that hurts! This act that’s so intimate from someone so close to me has made me feel so unsexy and not wanted! My relationship has never been easy, but I’ve fought for it, and at times, so has he. But this time, I feel like in order to heal myself, I need to find myself by myself. His actions have really impacted me! Any insight helps. — Lost in My Own Head
Dear Lost: First things first: You are a strong woman. You survived a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy while being married to a louse. Regardless of whether he actually cheated, the fact that he is busy looking at dating sites instead of bringing you chicken soup while you recover is enough evidence to say you either need to go to counseling NOW or say goodbye.
It is completely understandable that his actions have impacted you, but now it is time to free yourself of that toxic relationship. Go to counseling with your husband and see if he can make a complete change in behavior and be there for you, or move on and find someone who sees and appreciates you for the beautiful woman you are. One of the vows we take in marriage is “in sickness and in health.” He seems not to take that one seriously, for when he had addiction troubles, you stood by him, and after you had major surgeries, he left you emotionally and physically. I wish you the best of luck and have faith that you will find your self-esteem again.
Dear Annie: My wife of 30 years had an affair a couple of years ago. To this day, she maintains that there was no physical contact, despite the sheer amount of text messages and phone calls; conversations usually lasting hours after I had gone to bed; my having actually caught her out with him and with her car parked at his residence on an evening she was supposed to be staying out of town with a friend.
She came home, and her explanation was that I owed him an apology because he felt threatened by me. I moved out for a while, and upon my return home, I quickly discovered a prepaid phone that only had his number. I don’t believe this was a platonic relationship. I still don’t trust her. I do love my wife, but I feel I’m being disrespected with her continued dishonesty. Is divorce my only option? — Should I Stay, or Should I Go?
Dear Stay or Go: You should not threaten anyone, even if you are very upset with him or her. If the trust is gone and you want to see if you can save the marriage, the help of a professional marriage counselor is needed.