Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I’ve been married to a wonderful man for over 10 years, and during that time, I’ve grown to love his son as my own. My stepson, “Brian,” is now 28 and has struggled with drug addiction for most of his adult life. We’ve helped him through multiple rehab programs, paid his rent when he’s been evicted and even bailed him out of jail once. I’ve held him when he cried, driven him to meetings and prayed for him every night.

But nothing seems to change for long. He always promises he’ll do better, and for a while he does — but then he relapses, and the cycle begins again. He calls at all hours asking for money, sometimes with stories I know aren’t true. I try to set boundaries, but the guilt eats at me. What if this time he really is in danger? What if something happens to him and I wasn’t there to help?

My husband is worn down, too, but he’s better at pulling back emotionally. I still see the little boy in Brian — the one who just wants to be loved. I know I can’t fix him, but the idea of cutting him off feels like giving up on someone I love. — Hurting Stepmom

Dear Hurting: Loving someone does not mean enabling them. You have gone above and beyond, but addiction is a battle Brian must choose to fight. Giving him money, rescuing him from consequences and staying on call 24/7 is not helping. It is keeping him stuck with a disease.

Set firm and loving boundaries. Let him know you will support his recovery, not his addiction. This is not giving up. It is giving him the best chance to stand on his own.

And do not do this alone. Seek support for yourself through Al Anon or a counselor who understands addiction. You need strength, too.

Dear Annie: I can’t thank you enough for your message on Memorial Day. I am a therapist at a vet center. The veterans I see are primarily combat veterans. They all have lost someone in combat. The week leading up to Memorial Day is filled with discussion on how they will honor their losses and their grief and how they will handle someone thanking them for their service, even though Memorial Day is not that. They also want to honor their families and enjoy the barbecues as well.

The message you wrote is perfect. We all fear that as time moves away from the end of the wars, our culture will forget our losses and the meaning of Memorial Day. Thank you for keeping the meaning top of mind. Blessing to you and yours. — Honoring Lost Soldiers

Dear Honoring Lost Soldiers: Few things are more important than expressing gratitude to our soldiers who gave their lives in service of our country. The fact that you work as a therapist to veterans — nearly all of whom have lost friends in combat — is absolutely wonderful and makes your letter especially significant to this column. Thank you.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now. Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.