Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I need some advice. My son got married three years ago to a woman we didn’t know about. He never brought her over to introduce her to us. Didn’t even tell us he got married. He stopped speaking to us.

Then, when my husband died, my son asked if I got any insurance money. That took me back. I don’t see him anymore unless he needs money. I get hate texts from his wife if she doesn’t get what she wants. Did I mention she has been married four times before? He is her fifth husband.

She then left my son for another man, but he died of an overdose. My son took her back! Then he ended up in the hospital and she never visited him. He is now a diabetic.

When I do hear from him, he tells me stories I know aren’t true. He covers for her. He knows she’s a narcissist and only thinks of herself. He even said he cares more about his job than her. She does not work.

He was never like this until he met her. He is not taking care of himself. They have been kicked out of apartments because she doesn’t pay the bills (three times so far!). They split (again) for a while and then got back together after she got in an accident and broke her leg. I figure that was a tactic to get him back. I’m afraid for his well-being and his health. She uses his good nature against him. Any advice? — Dealing With a Narcissist

Dear Dealing With a Narcissist: Your son sounds like he’s stuck in a cycle that’s draining him — and you. It’s heartbreaking to watch someone you love be used, mistreated and pushed into isolation by someone who doesn’t care for their well-being.

Unfortunately, when adults make destructive choices, even ones that hurt themselves, there’s a limit to what others can do — especially when they’re not willing or ready to make a change. Your son may be on his way to seeing the truth about this woman — his acknowledgement of her narcissism suggests that he’s at least not delusional — but the fact that he’s still covering for her lies means he’s not quite ready to end things.

You can offer your love and support to your son, but you cannot rescue him. Make sure he knows you’re always there for him, and focus your energy on protecting your own physical and emotional well-being. A good therapist or support group would be invaluable.

Annie Lane’s second anthology — “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.