Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I’ll be starting college this fall, and while I’m excited to grow academically, I’m also looking forward to making new friends and maybe even finding a boyfriend. But I already know one thing: I don’t plan on sharing many details about my romantic life with friends — if I mention it at all.

Here’s why: I’ve noticed that when people start dating, their friends sometimes ask invasive questions like, “How’s the sex?” And what surprises me even more is that people often answer! Personally, I find that kind of question way too private. I’d much rather keep those details just between me and my partner. I don’t think it’s about being insecure; I’ve just seen relationships go downhill when too many people get involved or know too much.

At the same time, I realize that a boyfriend might feel hurt if I don’t introduce him to my friends, even if I’m open about it with my family. I don’t want to seem like I’m hiding him, but I also want to protect the relationship from outside opinions.

Is it OK to want to keep my relationship mostly private? How do I set those boundaries without making friends — or a future boyfriend — feel shut out? — Girlfriend Who Values Privacy

Dear Privacy: You are absolutely allowed to keep your relationship private. Not everyone feels comfortable sharing personal details, and it is perfectly reasonable to want to protect something meaningful.

The key is balance. You do not need to give your friends a play by play, but it can help avoid confusion later if you mention you are seeing someone. A simple “Yes, I’m dating someone, and I’m keeping it hush hush for now” is enough.

If you feel ready to introduce a boyfriend to family but not friends, that is your choice. Just be honest with your partner about why you prefer to keep things low-key.

And as for those nosy questions, you could playfully say, “I never kiss and tell.” You do not owe anyone more than you are willing to share.

Wishing you a strong start to college and a relationship that brings you peace.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now. Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.