Annie Lane

Dear Annie: Thirteen years ago, I started doubting my family’s place in my life. I come from a family of four boys, but only one of my three remaining brothers keeps in touch.

My oldest brother is up in years and no longer able to get around. The middle brother and his wife are the only family members who keep in touch. The last brother lives just two miles away; he and his wife will travel 50 miles to see their daughters and their families instead of stopping by to see me. The last time I saw him, the youngest brother, was at his 50th wedding anniversary last October.

Recently, I was admitted to the hospital, and as of this letter, I haven’t heard a word from the oldest or youngest brothers. We were always close, but since our parents passed, things have gone downhill.

Am I being too sensitive, or do I have reason to feel upset? — Feeling Forgotten

Dear Forgotten: Your feelings are completely valid. Grief often reshapes families, and sometimes loss weakens the glue that once held everyone together. People grieve differently, too; some pull closer, like your middle brother and his wife, while others drift off.

You can’t control how your other two brothers behave, but you can try to reignite your relationships. A simple, loving message — “I’ve missed seeing you and would love to catch up” — opens the door and puts the ball in their court. If they don’t respond, at least you’ll know you’ve done your part.

You deserve connection and community. Sometimes, that means finding it in new places and with new people.

Dear Annie: When my granddaughter was young, my husband and I removed her from her home. She was being physically abused by her stepfather, and my daughter was so beaten down by him she couldn’t help her. We took her in, supported her and provided for her for over eight years. We weren’t rich, but she had what she needed and was well cared for and safe.

In her teen years, she left on good terms and moved back in with her mother and younger brother. We stayed close, and now we’re retired and live out of state. She’s grown, with children of her own, but she’s struggled — a few questionable relationships and ongoing financial emergencies. She finally has a decent-paying job, and I’m praying she can make it on her own this time.

Her mother can’t help financially, so I’ve stepped in with clothes, school supplies, groceries and essentials for my great-grandchildren when needed. Since I’ve always done this voluntarily, I’ve never expected anything in return but a thank you. But it seems the more we give, the more she asks, and it’s always an “emergency”: the power shut off, the car broke down, the phone bill is due. It’s just always something. I don’t have the heart to tell her no, but every time she texts, I dread opening the message.

I feel guilty, too, because we have other grandchildren I love dearly, yet so much of my time and money have gone to her. My husband, who is in poor health, has always been generous with our kids when they’ve needed a helping hand, but I usually don’t tell him when she asks for help because I don’t want to upset him. He and I don’t come from “well-off” families, but we were raised in happy, loving homes and taught that rewards come from hard work, values we’ve always lived by and tried to instill in our family.

Still, I can’t keep dipping into our retirement savings, but I worry that if I stop, those precious little ones will go without. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I don’t know if I should push the rock or hide behind it! — Torn in Tennessee

Dear Torn: You’ve given your granddaughter a priceless gift: love, safety and stability when she needed it most. But now she’s an adult, and there’s a difference between helping her and being relied on to solve every problem.

Have a calm, honest conversation. Let her know how much you love her and the kids, but that you can’t keep dipping into your retirement to cover everything. You’ve been so invested in her life that it will feel hard at first, but for her to truly “make it on her own,” she has to accept that you won’t fix every crisis.

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