Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My best friend has become impossible to make plans with. She says yes to everything, then cancels at the last minute with a vague excuse. Sometimes she says she is “too tired,” other times she says work got crazy, and once she forgot completely until I texted from the restaurant asking if she was on her way. The worst was when I saw on social media that she had gone out with another group the same night she canceled on me because she “needed a quiet night.”

I know people are busy, and I do not want to be needy. But after the third canceled dinner, the second missed birthday lunch and one weekend trip she backed out of after I had already booked the hotel, I started to feel foolish. I had arranged child care, moved meetings and turned down other invitations because I thought we had plans.

When we are together, she is warm and fun, and it feels like old times. She tells me how much she loves me and says, “We need to do this more often.” Then weeks go by, texts go unanswered, and another plan falls apart.

I miss the friendship we used to have, but I am tired of saving space for someone who treats my time like a suggestion. How do I stop feeling hurt without making a dramatic announcement? — Waiting on a Maybe

Dear Waiting: You do not need a dramatic announcement. You need a quiet adjustment.

Your friend may love you, but she is not treating your time with care. It is also possible she is going through something she has not fully shared, so lead with curiosity before resentment.

You can say, kindly, “I love seeing you, but it hurts when plans keep falling through. Is everything OK? Let’s pick something only when you know you can make it.”

In the meantime, stop arranging your life around her maybes. Avoid prepaid plans, invite her when it is easy, and let her be the one to follow through for a while. Friendship should feel flexible, not flimsy.

Dear Annie: My husband and I recently downsized, and I thought this stage of life would feel lighter. Instead, I feel oddly invisible. Our children are grown and busy, my calendar is quieter, and the house no longer feels like the center of everyone’s world. I spent years being the person who remembered permission slips, birthdays, doctors’ appointments and dinner plans. Now, no one seems to need me in the same way.

I am grateful for my life, but I also feel a little lost. I don’t want to burden my children or make them feel guilty for building their own lives. How do I figure out who I am when the role that defined me has changed? — Missing the Noise

Dear Missing the Noise: A quieter house does not mean a smaller life. It means you are being invited, gently and perhaps awkwardly, to turn some of that care back toward yourself.

Start small. Take a class, volunteer, reconnect with an old friend or try something that has nothing to do with being useful to anyone. Motherhood may have shaped you, but it did not use you up. The next chapter can still be full of purpose, just with fewer socks on the floor.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now. Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.