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Dear Annie: I am desperate to declutter our house, but my husband has a very hard time letting go of anything. Our closets are overflowing, the garage is packed, and we have boxes of things we haven't opened in years. There are old tools, clothes that no longer fit, broken electronics, stacks of paperwork and even things from hobbies he hasn't touched in decades. Every time I suggest donating or throwing something away, he finds a reason we might need it someday.
I'm not trying to get rid of everything or make our home look like a showroom. I just want to be able to open a closet without something falling on me, park the car in the garage and have a few clear surfaces in the house. The clutter makes me feel stressed and unsettled, while he seems almost comforted by having everything around.
The problem is that when I start sorting things, my husband gets anxious or defensive and says I'm pressuring him. If I hold up something we haven't used in 15 years, he can suddenly give me a detailed explanation of why it might come in handy. I've even suggested starting small with one drawer or one shelf, but somehow every item turns into a negotiation.
I love my husband and don't want him to feel that I'm disrespecting his belongings or memories. At the same time, I feel as though our possessions are starting to control our home instead of the other way around.
How can I declutter our house without making my husband feel like I'm throwing away his belongings -- or starting World War III over a box of old extension cords? -- Drowning in Clutter
Dear Drowning in Clutter: Start with paring down your shared spaces. Agree on a few small areas to clear together, while leaving his personal belongings for him to decide. It may help to set a timer for 20 or 30 minutes and tackle one small space at a time. Keeping the process manageable may make it feel less like an attack and more like a shared project.
Remember that your husband's attachment to his belongings may be about more than the objects themselves. They can represent memories, past interests or a sense of security. Listen to that without allowing every explanation to become a veto.
You deserve a home that feels peaceful, and he deserves to feel that his possessions are treated with respect. With patience and a little compromise, you can work toward both. The goal isn't to win a battle over stuff; it's to make your home feel comfortable for both of you.
"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now. Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.