Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My sister and I grew up sharing everything: clothes, secrets, bedrooms, even blame when one of us broke something in the house. For most of my life, she was my first phone call and my safest place to land.

But in the last few years, something has changed. Every conversation with her has started to feel like a contest I never agreed to enter.

Last month, my son came home thrilled because he made the travel lacrosse team after months of practicing in the driveway until dark. I was so proud of him that I mentioned it at Sunday dinner. Before I even finished my sentence, my sister smiled tightly and said, “That’s great. Of course, my son made the elite team last year, and the coach said he had never seen footwork like his.” Suddenly, my son’s little moment was swallowed whole.

It happens all the time. When my daughter got a part in the school play, my sister reminded everyone that her daughter had once been asked to audition for a commercial. When I said my husband and I were saving for a family trip, she pulled out her phone to show pictures of the resort she had just booked in Italy. When I lost 12 pounds and felt proud of myself, she said, “That’s great. I’m down 18, but I’m not really trying.”

The final straw came at my mother’s birthday dinner. I had spent the whole day cooking her favorite meal and making a photo album with pictures from when we were kids. My mother got teary and hugged me. My sister immediately announced that she had arranged a surprise weekend away for Mom at a spa. Everyone clapped, and I sat there with mashed potatoes on my apron, feeling foolish for thinking my homemade gift mattered.

I know this may sound petty. Nobody is sick. Nobody is stealing money. There is no great family scandal. But this constant one-upmanship is wearing me down. I find myself rehearsing conversations before I see her, trying to decide what news is “safe” to share. I have started dimming my own joy so she will not feel the need to outshine it.

I miss my sister. I miss laughing with her in the kitchen and talking about things that had nothing to do with who had the smarter child, nicer house, thinner waist or better vacation. I do not want to cut her off, and I do not want to embarrass her. But I also do not want every family gathering to feel like an emotional talent show.

How do I stop taking the bait and protect my peace without making the whole family choose sides? — Tired of Being One-Upped

Dear Tired: Your sister may be competing because she feels insecure, but that does not mean you have to hand her the scoreboard. Share your joys with people who can celebrate them, and when she one-ups you, simply smile and say, “I’m happy for you, but I was hoping you could be happy for me, too.” Keep your tone calm, not accusing, and let her sit with the truth of it. Sometimes the kindest boundary is refusing to turn love into a contest.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now. Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.