Dear Annie: About six months ago, I grew close to a woman I had known casually for some time. She had recently come out of a painful breakup, and what began as friendship quickly turned into something much more emotionally intimate. We talked every day, shared deeply personal things and became part of each other’s routine in a way that felt meaningful and serious.

Although she kept saying we were “just friends,” our relationship did not feel platonic. We became physically involved, and over time she began making comments that made me believe we were building toward something real. She referred to herself, her dog and me as “a little family.” She talked about the future, about children and even grandchildren one day. She wanted to meet my parents and made a point of introducing me to hers when they were in town. Naturally, I started to believe this relationship was heading somewhere lasting.

Then, almost overnight, everything changed. A few weeks ago, she met another man and began dating him. She told me she still wanted me in her life as a close friend but admitted she had been unsure about me all along. She said she cared for me deeply but could not fully commit because her physical attraction to me was inconsistent.

I ended things because I was too hurt to stay in that gray area. But I am left feeling confused, rejected and foolish for believing her actions over her words. How do I make sense of a relationship that felt real to me but apparently never fully was to her? — Left in the Gray

Dear Left in the Gray: Believe her actions and her inconsistency. She may have cared for you, but she was not clear, and that is what hurt you.

Do not waste too much time trying to decode mixed signals after the fact. She was keeping one foot in and one foot out. You did the right thing by stepping away. Confusion is often the clearest sign that something was not healthy.

Dear Annie: I am writing about something that seems small on paper but has become surprisingly painful in real life. I have a close friend I have known for nearly 20 years. We raised our children in the same neighborhood, celebrated birthdays together and saw each other through illnesses, job changes and family losses. I always believed ours was the kind of friendship that would last.

Lately, though, I feel more like a convenience than a friend. She calls when she needs a favor, wants to vent or has a last-minute problem, and I am always there. But when I reach out, she is too busy to talk, too tired to get together or slow to respond at all. I have started noticing that I am the one who makes the plans, sends thoughtful notes and remembers important dates.

What hurts most is that when we are together, she acts as though everything is perfectly normal. Meanwhile, I go home feeling foolish for caring more than she does. At my age, I thought friendships would feel steadier, not more confusing.

Do I say something and risk sounding needy, or do I quietly accept that some friendships run on habit long after the heart has left them? — Feeling Optional

Dear Feeling Optional: A friendship should not feel like a one-woman volunteer program.

Before you let resentment do all the talking, say something gentle but honest. Tell her you have been feeling a little one-sidedness in the friendship and wanted to check in. Her response will tell you a great deal.

Some friendships deepen with time. Others simply coast on old memories. There is nothing needy about wanting to be valued. If she cannot meet you halfway, step back with grace and put your energy toward people who do.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now. Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.