Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I have a friend I have known for years, and our sons have grown up playing lacrosse together. On the surface, we are both supportive sports moms who cheer from the sidelines, pack the snacks and talk about practices, tournaments and college hopes. But underneath it all, I have started to feel something painful that I can no longer ignore.

Whenever my son has a strong game, gets recognition from a coach or reaches some milestone, my friend never seems genuinely happy for him. She may smile and say the right words, but there is always something strained behind it. Sometimes she quickly changes the subject back to her own son. Other times she points out how her son was overlooked, or she finds some subtle way to diminish my son’s accomplishment. If my son scores three goals, suddenly the conversation becomes about how her son had an assist no one noticed. If my son is praised, she brings up how politics in sports are unfair.

I understand that all parents want the best for their children, and I know youth sports can bring out strong emotions. But this has started to hurt. I have truly rooted for her son and celebrated his successes, yet I walk away from conversations feeling as though my son’s happiness is something she can barely tolerate.

It has made me question the friendship. I do not expect cartwheels every time my child does well, but I do think real friendship leaves room for joy when something good happens to the people you care about.

Am I being too sensitive, or is it fair to step back from someone who seems to view your child’s success as a threat instead of something to celebrate? — Cheering With Caution

Dear Cheering: You are not being too sensitive. One of the clearest signs of friendship is whether someone can smile when good fortune lands in your yard, not just their own.

Youth sports can bring out the best in kids and the worst in parents. What starts as cheering from the sidelines can turn into an Olympic event in comparison, scorekeeping and quiet resentment. Your friend may not even realize how transparent she has become, but a strained smile has a way of speaking louder than words.

You do not need to confront every cutting remark or backhanded compliment. Sometimes the wisest move is simply to stop bringing your good news to someone who insists on wearing dark glasses. Share less. Expect less. Protect your peace.

Be cordial, be kind and keep the focus where it belongs — on the boys, not the mothers keeping unofficial rankings in the bleachers. A real friend does not treat your son’s success like bad news for her family.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now. Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.